Day 141: Lavinia

Lavinia by Ursula K. LeGuin.  ISBN: 9780151014248.

“Males in love are ridiculous…They can’t help it.” Page 57.

I think this is probably my favorite quote, ever. Strangely it was about a deer and they compared it to a dog chasing a bitch (LeGuin’s words, not mine). Still, I think it applies across most species. It’s one thing all men can be comforted in knowing: ya’ll look stupid in love. I mean, really, really dumb. It’s hilarious, and endearing, and pretty much the only reason women don’t kill you outright when you get to be a little too clingy.

I’ve been lucky enough to have a couple of men fall in love with me, and oh my god you can tell.  Even the most seemingly respectable man will do the strangest, most irrational things to please you.  And folks, I am all too aware of my looks. I’m not super model material, not anywhere close, and I have had men literally fall over themselves when they are around me because something in their brain goes, “Durrrrrr, I wanna be with that one!”

Oh sure, women do this too, on a smaller scale. We tend to fawn over the men in our lives and gush about crushes, but we do it with other women (or select males).  And most of this occurs fairly early in our lives, so that later girl talks tend to turn more towards pointing out all of your defects.  This is certainly how it’s worked in my life anyway and I know I’m not exactly the average female, but I don’t think it’s far off the mark either.

For me, it was easier to be stupid with some of my potential partner choices because it seemed like I would be young for a very long time and would have plenty of chances to get another one if it didn’t work out. Unfortunately it was also a lot easier to overlook major character flaws, so I ended up with some men who cared nothing for me, and, looking back on it, for whom I cared very little as well.

Having gained some experience with people I did want to be with, I can now recognize the signs of someone who wants to be with me. It starts with about a 20 point drop in IQ level whenever I’m around. This of course necessitates finding an already intelligent man, and having his intelligence drop to slightly above average. I’m okay with this. It actually produces some fairly hilarious conversation/moments, and sometimes the brain can be reverted back to its normal state during times of stress or social anxiety. In other words, if I throw my fiancé into a crowd of academics his brain usually puts on its monocle and black tie and behaves itself at least well enough to interact with other cerebellums. And before I incriminate him any further, I’m going to sign off.

With much love to my Squishy Hubbaboo (and my respect and admiration to any other ridiculous males in love),

Amy L. Campbell.

Day 140: Lavinia

Lavinia by Ursula K. LeGuin.  ISBN: 9780151014248.

There's a theme running through this book that I find somewhat hard to swallow.  Lavinia finds comfort in releasing her will to her destiny and feels that she has more control over her life by doing so.  I guess I might consider that an option too, if I had some old dead poet telling me what was supposed to happen next.  But I don't; and even if I did, I might question whether or not someone whose goal in life was to create something that people would be reading well into the future (in other words, it had to be "entertaining" enough to keep the bloodthirsty masses coming back for gore... get it?).

I mean, if she was honestly willing to fulfill her destiny, she should have just married whoever her parents picked for her.  But instead, she takes advice from "God," who in this case happens to be the poet who created, or at the very least, re-imagined her.  On the one hand, I kind of get that, but on the other I am very disappointed that this is what LeGuin is doing with whatever time she has left to write (she's 81, if you're curious).  I was just hoping for more willfulness on Lavinia's part.  There was a little bit, but it was all within the confines of the male structure and we very rarely see her even thinking outside of the box she doesn't even seem to know she's in.

Maybe that's really how women thought in those days, but it does not make for a particularly insightful or interesting re-imagining of the Aeneid.  I'm also retelling, etc., but there needs to be something that's added to the narrative, and Lavinia just fell flat on her 2-D face.  About the only thing she got were far more lines than Virgil ever gave her, but it wasn't necessarily anything I much cared to listen to.

*This was actually transcribed via phone by Dan Walker from Amy Campbell.  Shortly after finishing the transcription the internet was magically reconnected.  Ffffffff.

Day 139: White Oleander

White Oleander by Janet Fitch.  ISBN: 9780788739705 (audiobook).

Sometimes I feel like I get what it's like to be an orphan, to not know where you'll be in the next month or year, to not know who your friends will be or who you can trust.  I get that.  I know what it's like to live with people you aren't sure have your best interest in mind.

I'm not trying to negate the hardships faced by people in foster care, but sometimes I feel like I went through it, being jerked around so much by the military.  I haven't known what it's like to have a stable home, even though I could rely on my mother to always be part of the family.  On the other hand, each move made it seem like we changed into other people.  It was almost necessary that we became different people in order to adjust to our surroundings.  It was difficult to find ways to fit in and it often necessitated what seemed like radical changes in behavior, dress, and mannerisms.  Like chameleon pod people, we seemed to replace our selves with new selves depending on where we were stationed.

Some of this was also the changing dynamic in on our family as my parents drifted apart and my brother and I hit puberty.  And then again when my parents went through separation and divorce, and yet again when my brother got kicked out of my mom's house.  Even when we were stationary our home was in constant change and chaos.

I'm ready, I'm ready to be quiet for a moment, to be still and to stop changing quite so much.  I know I have plenty of life changes ahead of me and some additional chaos, I need to get that steady job which will require an upheaval and probably a move.  I also plan to get married which will involve some more chameleon action as we adjust to living with each other and creating a working partnership where we don't kill each other.   But after that, it'll ease into stability and some form of normality.  I won't have to worry about having my physical or emotional life upturned again and again, right?  Someone tell me that it eventually all slows down and I get to rely on always being in the same place or job or state, at least.  I feel like I've had more than my share of upheaval, and all I want to do is breathe.

Day 138: White Oleander

White Oleander by Janet Fitch.  ISBN: 9780788739705 (audiobook).

If you're thinking to yourselves, "hey, this has been done already on this blog."  You are correct.  However, it was done by the fabulous and infamous Dayna Ingram.  I thought maybe you would like to hear my thoughts on it.

First of all, let me say I had some issues with this.  No, no, not the content, that was fine.  See, I started listening to this way back in June.  I had planned to listen to it during the eight hour drive to ALA.  Sadly, at exactly halfway through my trip my CD player decided to eat the disc and not give it back.  This was of course after I had stopped for lunch and called my mother, only to have her ask if I had audiobooks to listen to.  Well, I did before you jinxed it, thanks mom.  In any case, I was eventually able to get the disc out and my CD player is working fine now, and I finally finished this monster (I don't do a lot of driving these days since no job=no reason to leave the house).

I liked the fact that Astrid found a book that became her handbook.  Hers was the "Art of Survival" and she used it for comfort and as a basic manual for her life.  I think humans pretty much require some kind of guide in their lives, and there's no reason why it can't be a book -- fiction, non-fiction, or religious text.  Religion is great, but I don't think it's for everyone and there needs to be a way for the rest of us to find solace and support.

I know I found a lot of comfort in Octavia E. Butler's Parable of the Sower and it likely contained a lot of the same principles that Astrid's Art of Survival.  In fact, Parable is probably what pushed me towards being a librarian.  It contained the idea that no knowledge or skill is useless, just that you haven't yet found a way to use it.  I've kept this in mind through all of the jobs and experiences I've had, and have found a great deal of comfort that they will all aid me in leading a rich and fulfilling life.

Day 137: a general update

For those of you who are kind of newish or haven't physically visited my blog in awhile, there's some more information about the project available here.  For those of you who are looking for book reviews, they are not a typical feature of my blog.  There are review elements in my post and I do occasionally review books I read (I always review ARCs).  If you're interested in following my reviews you can do so via my RSS on Goodreads or you can just friend me there.  I do also have a separate page for my book reviews here on my blog, but I don't update that automatically and there's no guarantee on how frequently I will update it. 

I also have some information on the contact page, I prefer contact through e-mail, but I've also set up a Meebo window if you want to leave a quick message.  I tend to log on daily, but remember to give me your contact information if you want to get back to me on anything.  You do not have to download a program to contact me via Meebo widget.

In other news, I celebrated my two year anniversary with Dan Walker on the 8th and recently returned from a trip to visit him.  He gave me a signed copy of Octavia E. Butler's Parable of the Sower.  It happens to be a first edition, although sadly a second printing.  However, since I love this book beyond belief and there is no way I'm going to be able to obtain Butler's signature any other way, this is the best present he could have ever given me.  I'm not really much of a book collector, but having the first printing would have been extra cool.

Some of you may be saying, hey, you can't write a general update yet, you haven't read all of the books on your previous list.  Well, I haven't because they haven't all come in from the library yet.  Most of this is because my library decided to go on furlough from August 1-8 and I had trouble getting my grubby, broke hands on what I was supposed to read.  So yes, The Ask and My Empire of Dirt are going back on the list for this update.  Unfortunately I'm unsure about how soon the second one will be available because there are only 2 circulating copies and I'm still number 6 on the waiting list.  Drat.  Otherwise, here's what I have planned.

Speak by Laurie Anderson.
This was actually on my to-read list before Dan Walker wrote a post on it, but his high praise resulted in me needing to read it.  It's highly praised enough that I'm at least hoping to enjoy it.

Bozo Sapiens: Why to Err is Human by Michael Kaplan and Ellen Kaplan.
This is another Dan Walker recommendation.  If you want to send one my way, by all means e-mail me at acampb8@kent.edu.  I actually recommended that he try to get his hands on this via First Reads giveaways on Goodreads.com.  He won and devoured the book in a matter of three or four days (between lavishing attention on me).  I too will soon be digesting this saliva covered delicacy, much like monkey brains or head cheese.

The Facebook Effect by David Kirkpatrick.
Like pretty much everyone else in the entire world (except for China), I have a Facebook account.  I know how it's affected my life, but I was interested about what it meant for my generation and future generations to all be pulled into one giant social networking site (in a way that Friendster and other sites have not).  I have my own suspicions about it and I'm curious as to whether or not they will be confirmed.

Frostbitten by Kelley Armstrong.
I grabbed this before my library closed for furlough.  Little did I realize this was the 10th novel in a series.  No way will I be reading all 9 previous novels.  It also seems like it's one of those series that I don't actually have to read previous books for.  I need a little trashy paranormal romance, since it is adult I am expecting it to not be on the level of Evermore.  I will go all ranty on its ass if it is.

Lavinia by Ursula K. LeGuin.
I enjoyed Left Hand of Darkness so much that I decided to see what her current work is like.  I'm sure her writing style has changed over the years, and I've always loved the idea of writing minor characters into major characters, particularly in the case of ancient literature where the women usually get no back story.  I'm not familiar with the Aeneid on which this is based, so I may be doing some background reading on...Wikipedia of course.

The Curse of Chalion by Lois McMaster Bujold.
This was recommended to me by fellow Antioch Alumna and non-book blogger, Traveler@larger.  I'd been considering Bujold previously, but didn't want to get sucked into another author that mostly writes series.  But I can't resist a recommendation so I went ahead and slapped this on my reading list.

Day 136: Noah's Compass

Noah's Compass by Anne Tyler.  ISBN: 9780307272409.

This book has an awful lot to do about memory and memory loss.  Thankfully it's not the sole focus or the gimmick of the book, but rather a vehicle for exploring themes and issues that arise in transitioning from working life into retirement.  One scene caught my eye as being a good discussion starter in book group.  It entails Liam's sister Julia recounting memories with very specific details.  Liam is extremely jealous of Julia's capability be able to remember things he didn't even notice to begin with.

I don't think people actually have memories like that.  I do believe that there are people who have more detail oriented memories, who are more likely to remember small things about random events.  However, I also think their minds may be better at filling in gaps when they go to recall memories.  I get the feeling these are the people more likely to be visual learners and/or the creative types.  Rather than having to repeat tasks or hear instructions about what they're supposed to do next, they can see it once and their minds visualize the process in such a way that if they don't remember it exactly it is close enough they can repeat it.

I have to admit my own mind isn't overly detail oriented.  I'm very much a kinesthetic learner (learn by doing).  I can do some visual learning, whereas listening to instructions is nearly always disastrous for me.  There are of course times when I'm able to remember small details.  I can tell you what I was wearing the night my fiance proposed to me, for instance.  Or I could tell you what my first cat's fur smelled like when he came in from outside in the late evening.  But I don't remember every single detail of every memory.  I find it hard to believe that anyone out there could (although there are rarities like Jill Price). 

Strangely the only time I was able to keep details in my head was when I was actively keeping a journal during my time at Antioch.  I also had a tendency to reread them frequently, which is something I've stopped doing, because it's pretty painful to read any 18 year old's thoughts and there's nothing worse than seeing how wrong headed and stuck up you were at that age.  I would certainly like to remember more details about my life, but I'm also happy that I've forgotten many of my other experiences.  I'm not sure I would give up the ability to forget, just so I could remember what color shirt my mom wore on my first day of kindergarten.

Day 135: Noah's Compass

Noah's Compass by Anne Tyler.  ISBN: 9780307272409.

This book somehow ended up on my reading list.  I have no idea how.  Someone on one of the many book blogs or NPR must have made it sound interesting.  In any case, sometimes reading outside of my usual fare is a good idea, and I needed it to be after the last couple of books I've read.  This one is also a pleasantly easy read, which is also important to throw into my reading diet occasionally.

The novel opens with Liam Pennywell, who has just been laid off from his teaching job at the age of 60.  He's trying to decide whether or not he should retire, but in the meantime he's decided to economize his life and prepare for retirement.  The first thing he does is move into a smaller apartment.

Oh man, I wish I was moving.  The description of getting rid of furniture and possessions and then moving what's left over into the apartment sounded so appealing to me.  Here I am stuck living with someone else as a kind of parasite and after a year of unemployment moving back into a place that's mine seems nearly impossible.  I want so much to have my life back* that reading about other people unpacking boxes in new apartments almost makes me salivate.  And then there are the times where I get that second call back or an in-person interview for a job and I hop online and start looking at apartments.

You have no idea how badly I want to furnish an apartment right now.  This is beyond nesting syndrome (and I lack the egg to nest).  I've even looked at houses in areas I was oh-so-positive I was going to be hired for; these were places no one in their right minds would accept jobs for except for me because I don't care where I live.  I am seriously willing and able to live in the most isolated rural town you can throw at me.  Just give me a relatively decent library and I'm happy.

I think most of this stems from not having space that is actually mine.  Yes I have my "own" bedroom in my friend's apartment, but I can't or at least shouldn't bring all my furniture in,** and this is a space I can be easily turned out of.  If she told me to pack my shit and get out I could be out of her apartment within 48 hours, possibly sooner if pressed.  This makes me long for nothing more than to sign a year long lease and know that I will be in one place for the next year or so, with the same leaky faucet and noisy neighbors; at least they would be my crappy curtains hanging in the living room.***


*Even if I just end up moving in with my current room mate in a more legitimate manner...i.e. being able to afford paying rent. 
**I have all of a 5x5 storage container left of furniture and other items that I couldn't bring myself to get rid of, but couldn't very well take along either.
***My room mate has lovely curtains; curtains that I make myself would probably not be so nice.

Day 134: The Wake of Forgiveness

The Wake of Forgiveness by Bruce Machart. ISBN: 9780151014439 (Advance Reader Copy - publishes Oct. 21, 2010).

Ugh, yeah, I've had to stretch on this one in case you couldn't tell with my rambling post yesterday.  Mostly this was a book I just couldn't get into; there was a whole section of the of the book that did not seem to be related at all to the story.  Anyway, I'm going to go for the obvious here.

Ponies!

Well, horses actually.  There's a lot of horse racing in this book, and apparently a lot of fools gambling their land and livelihood (i.e. their land) on these horse races.  These are races that took place in the woods and were not properly witnessed or anything like that, but I've definitely enjoyed watching a horse race or two in my time.  And like the Skalas, my dad was the one who introduced me to it.
 
I think my first horse race was around the age of 8, we would have been either in Oklahoma or California at the time.  For some reason my brain is telling me we were probably in California.  We mostly went to greyhound races in Oklahoma, which was a completely different kind of spectacular.  There is something about watching so many horses that represent decades of breeding and expense.  There is a joy in taking in the scent and sound of the race track, and watching the faces of people who have staked claims they can't afford to lose.
 
Anyone who's ever been on a horse knows how difficult it can be to control one.  I always marveled at jockeys willing to ride horses that weigh at least twelve times their own body weight.  You have to be pretty ballsy to slap an animal with a leather strap who can turn you into jockey powder simply by rolling over.  I've enjoyed riding horses on family vacations, although I haven't been in ages.  Even though I'm always slightly intimidated by the animal, I always enjoy myself once the horse stops trying to brush me off.
 
I've never been one of those girls who was a horse nut, but I can definitely see the appeal.  I think everyone should have exposure to an animal that is larger and more powerful than themselves.  It gives us a perspective that we are not as bad-ass as we think we are.  We're so used to household pets, that we forget what it actually means to have animals out there that can kill us and I think it would smack some humility back into the human race.  Shark week be damned.
 
Also, happy 2nd anniversary to my sweetheart, who is definitely neither a shark nor a pony.

Day 133: The Wake of Forgiveness

The Wake of Forgiveness by Bruce Machart.  ISBN: 9780151014439 (Advance Reader Copy - publishes Oct. 21, 2010).

This is mostly a book about the Skala family in Texas during the late 1800's.  Vaclav Skala is a pretty reprehensible character who treats his four sons like beasts of burden.

I think I can kind of understand that behavior.  Part of that is because I cannot imagine having something I care about as much as I would care about my children, only to see them die before me.  It would be easier to treat them like work horses so as to avoid any emotional attachment.  I almost wonder if higher live birth rates and life expectancy for both women and children had to occur before we could obtain child labor laws and women's rights (which have both increased further).

I am thankful that I no longer have to wonder if a pregnancy is going to kill me.  I am thankful that I no longer have to produce children for a marriage to be valid and legal.  I don't have to worry about my husband sending me back to my parents because I could not get pregnant (regardless of who was at fault physically).  I have control over my pregnancy or lack thereof during marriage and out of it.  These are pretty much all of the things that have popped into my head while reading The Wake of Forgiveness.  I'm also thankful that if I did die and produce children, that my husband would have the children taken away from him if he strapped them to a plow and worked them like horses to the point their necks were permanently bent.

There's chores and then there's chores.  I have no problems with making a child do his own laundry at a certain age.  I'm pretty sure I was doing my own laundry about the age of five.  At the very least I was definitely folding my own clothes and helping sort them.  Not much longer after that I was expected to help with vacuuming, sweeping, cleaning the bathroom, and doing dishes.  My brother was supposed to do chores as well, and sometimes he did, but he was also much better at terrorizing my parents and sometimes weaseled out of it if they were particularly tired.

I don't see many kids who seem to have chores these days.  Granted, they do seem to have much heavier schedules to begin with - soccer practice, band practice, piano lessons, AP courses, etc.  But they also seem to have far more privileges than I was ever afforded.  No way would I be allowed to even take my Nintendo to dinner, much less play with it during a family meal out at a restaurant.  And then there are the 10 year olds who have cell phones.  Nice cell phones. 

If you give your kid a $100+ piece of electronics when they aren't even old enough to sign an online service contract for Neopets by themselves, don't get pissed off with them when they destroy it.  They are children, you are the adult; if you are that worried about them being off by themselves without a cell phone then they should be with an adult.  The cell phone won't help them if they're going to do something stupid without adult supervision.  The cell phone can't tell them, "Hey, it might not be a good idea to put that cherry bomb in the toilet."

Honestly, with the shit I got into as a pre-teen and teenager, I don't think they should be left alone by themselves for longer than two hours.  Seriously, you can get away with some shit in two hours.  And that's okay.  Teenagers need to fuck up a little, but it's a lot easier to avoid the big mistakes when you can say, "I'm supposed to meet my mom at 11:30, and she's a total hard ass."  I think the biggest mistakes parents make these days is not giving teenagers ample room to make them the scape goat.  Yes, they need their space, but they also need you to be the adult so they and their friends can hate your guts.  They will love you for it later when they realize they're one of the few people they know in high school who made it through without ODing or having to get an abortion.  Just think about it. 

And OMG, stop giving 5-year-olds DSi's.  I didn't have an original Nintendo until I was 12 and those things were god damned bricks.

Day 132: Great House

Great House by Nicole Krauss. ISBN: 9780393079982 (Advance Reading Copy - publishes Oct. 12, 2010).

As I mentioned in my previous post, this book is really about moments between people.  They are usually moments that are characterized by vulnerability with a touch of both joy and sadness.  These are moments that can only be brought to us by living lives in which we know the meaning of loss, and the desire to hold on to what we have now.

Possibly my favorite moment in the book is when one of the narrators confronts his grown child about why he was so hard on him growing up, and why they are still not close.  Dov (the child) is a child so different that the father is forced to think about himself and his parenting in a way that Dov's older brother does not.  And the paragraph in which the father explains death to the young Dov is one that will probably stick in my mind forever.  It contains within in both what the father said, what he felt he should have said, and the hard truths of what it means to live.  Here is the simple response to a child's question, "Will I die?"

"Yes.  And because, no matter how you suffered deep inside you were still an animal like any other who wants to live, feel the sun, and be free, you said, But I don't want to die."

And it occurred to me that this a bullet I will have dodged by the end of my life.  By not having children, I will never have to answer these questions about death to a young child - a being that should have nothing to do with death.  If children are an affirmation of our will to live and continue on, then it seems almost fundamentally wrong to let them even become aware of the concept of death.  These are supposed to be being removed from death, at the very least within our lifetimes, and for all we know they are destined to live on into the future until the end times.  That is why the dying of a child before his or her parent is so devastating, it's a denial of an eternity that once seemed so obtainable and tangible.

Where God provides us with hope, children provide us with proof, that at least in some form we go on.  To confirm to a child that, yes, they too will die, must be like a small death to a parent.  Knowing that, even though chances are they still have many years to watch their children grow, they too will die and even our tentative links to life after death will fade.  But none of this seems to stop us from trying to live on.  And I don't think it should.