Day 70: The Night Bus

The Night Bus by Janice Law. ISBN: 9780312848828.

There were some very okay parts of this book despite the mostly verbally abusive relationship between Cath and her husband.  Law doesn't seem to think it was a "bad" relationship, or even one that should have ended despite the fact that it did not appear to be healthy for either party.  Luckily the language and the actual writing in this book were good enough to stick with it and I pulled out a couple of very poignant moments.

Perhaps my favorite was when Cath realized that the 'key to happy endings is knowing when to close the book.'  How perfect is that?  I suppose it's probably not original in either phrasing or concept, but it's the first time I've come across it in awhile (or ever as far as I can remember).  I sort of started applying this to my own life and there are definite moments where I could have closed the book and it would have seemed like ... perhaps not a fairy tale, but a somewhat interesting memoir.  My time at Antioch would probably make a hilarious romp through college life, working at and quitting Allstate might be an interesting read for those who have had to deal with any kind of insurance, and the culmination of my graduate career was definitely a high note as it included an engagement and the hopes of a job that paid well (if not fantastically) and that I loved.

It's those moments in-between that make the Good Story feel like a bad ending.  Yes, I'm currently going through 9+ months of hardship and separation from the people I love.  I am living in limbo.  But next month I could be starting off a brand new adventure filled with lots of Good Things that will fall into place.  So I didn't get that job in Tennessee, maybe I just haven't suffered and struggled enough, or maybe I'm not really cut out to be a librarian.  Maybe my blog will actually get me further than the five years of various library jobs I've had (although for that to happen I need a little more word of mouth advertising -- hint hint).  I would hate to give up being a librarian, but I could be happy doing something else, and I'll still have the degree.  There are many ways to get into librarianship and now is either not the time and/or I am not approaching it from an angle that will work right now.

I don't know what I'm going to do.  I know that after ALA I will be signing up for a temp. company.  I've done that before and ended up getting the job at Allstate.  I might actually prefer something in the factory sector right now.  I almost want a job that I hate so that I'm motivated to go out and do something to better my situation.  I just know that I cannot bear to bring myself to fill out another application or write another cover letter.  I can't do it.  Not the way things are going right now.  I really thought I had the job in Tennessee, but I lost it to someone with more experience.  There are so many people right now who have far more experience than I do, and I just can't compete.  So I'm moving on.  Hopefully a library job will fall in my lap some day, and I'll probably keep applying, but this has gone on too long.  I've indulged my fantasies too long.  And I can't keep living on savings.

I'm not closing the book here.  I just switching volumes because the current one is a little too much to struggle through in one straight reading.  I need a little Pratchett to go along with my Hawthorne.  When all is said and done, I'm sure my life will have a much happier ending than what I'm going through right now.  It's hard to remember that, but it's what I need to focus on, or else I'm just going to give up altogether.

PS: Send donations (i.e. pity money...or books...or cookies).

Day 69: The Night Bus

The Night Bus by Janice Law.  ISBN: 9780312848828.

I almost hate books that include amnesia as a major plot point.  It's usually not interesting enough to keep my attention for more than 50 pages or so before a new gimmick has to be thrown in.  The Night Bus has only made it this far because I'm enjoying the lyrical prose and the detailed fragments of memory returning.

I think amnesia gets so much coverage because it's something we're all deeply afraid of.  No one wants to wake up one day and not remember who they are.  But strangely we sort of do that every day, in bits and pieces.  Our memories are in a constant process of deterioration, and then there are things that don't get remembered at all simply because your brain has no room for those details.  Hell, unless someone makes a comment about it, I couldn't even tell you what t-shirt I wore yesterday. 

I used to be deathly afraid of forgetting and losing memories.  I still don't like the idea of going senile or losing my mind to Alzheimer's disease, but I've come to terms with gradually losing bits and pieces of my past.  Maybe this is a sign of maturity.  I've basically realized that having those memories made fuzzy and dull is a good thing.  In some ways it makes them easier to learn from.  I can analyze my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, for instance, and see exactly what he did wrong and what I did wrong and what we probably should have done, and now I have the information for future relationships.  I no longer have to feel that same agony I had when we first broke up, because I no longer remember exactly how it felt to love him.  I know that he made me happy for awhile and I could tell you where I felt that stopped being true, but I don't feel it anymore.  The happy memories are also tainted with the not-so-happy memories, and then there are things about him I've forgotten altogether.

Forgetting isn't all good, of course, but I can see now how it is necessary for our emotional and psychological development and well being.  I don't think my brother and I would be talking now if I hadn't forgotten exactly how terrible it was living with him.  I know it was bad, but I don't relive every single detailed and terrifying moment.  But then I also can't remember what it was like to hold my grandfather's hand.  I don't remember bringing home Rocky, my first cat, from the neighbors' house.

I guess in the long run I'm okay with these losses.  The benefit of losing the bad sort of balances out the sadness of not remembering the good.  I just have to trust my brain to remember all of the good things I have yet to write down.