25 June 2010

Day 90: Dan Walker (guest blogger, with commentary)

To Kill an Armchair Husband: A Dark Comedy by Teri Weeding. ISBN: 9781451525830.

So this is a pretty average book about a woman trying to kill her husband because he's no longer the man she married. Lucky guy. My fiancee has wanted to kill me since before we got engaged.*

"I'm gonna kill you in your sleep" has been a long-running joke between us. She told me, very early on, that after we're married, she'll take out an insurance policy on me and then, one day, maybe a after a few decades** of marital bliss, she'll kill me and collect the money. And she keeps talking about it. I'm not sure how much of a joke it is anymore.

Like the aforementioned armchair husband, I've got a heart condition. Mine keeps me away from caffeine; if I get even a drop of a caffeinated beverage nowadays, I get killer headaches and heart palpitations. So of course she keeps telling me that she's going to slip me caffeine. She thinks that will let her get off easily. Funnily enough, the woman in the book tried the slipped mickey approach as well; didn't work out so well for her.

But isn't it odd how we never think about this? We trust our significant others not to kill us or do anything crazy. We share with them our beds, our homes, our lives, and I don't think "Honey, you're not gonna kill me tonight, are ya?" ever comes up as a legitimate question. Sleeping with someone, with or without the sexual
connotation, is an incredible act of trust. We place our well being in each other's hands when we're at our most vulnerable. And yet, spousal homicide is such an everyday occurrence. It might be shocking to read
that a husband or wife killed one another, but only insofar as a person took someone's life. We never think about the dangers we place ourselves in; we never ask ourselves, "How well do I really know this person?"

Trust is an amazing thing. Also, this blog post can totally be used as evidence against her now.***

(Note: It was actually at Amy's suggestion that I write this article. She's not actually going to kill me. I don't think...)

Dan Walker (pseudonym) is a writer from Northeast Ohio, who would be teaching ESL if he wasn't unemployed. He received a BA in Creative Writing from Wright State University in 2004 and a Masters in Teaching English as a Second Language from Kent State University in 2009. He will make some lucky librarian a wonderful armchair husband someday.

*Before we started dating, actually.
**Decades?!  Someone is a little optimistic.
***Evidence has a funny way of disappearing and all that.  [insert evil laugh.]

This blog post was originally written May 23, 2010 because the author is currently busy plotting her future husband's demise...most likely with the aid of her mother-in-law.  PS: if you actually believe any of this, you have no sense of humor, Dan.

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