13 October 2010

Day 200: Another Special Story

It's that time again people.  Happy 200th post (well, regular post, because Banned Book Week was special).  Oh my god, I'm sorry this is so long, I got carried away.  For those of you who missed the first Rupert story, click here.  However, they don't really follow a linear time continuum, so feel free to skip it or read it later.
Rupert the Magical Pony Meets a Spacemonaut

Once upon a time, there was a magical pony field, and in the magical pony field lived the magical ponies.  One of the magical ponies was named Rupert, and he was a magical pony.  Rupert was happily playing in the magical pony field, because that is what magical ponies most often do.  All of a sudden, Rupert heard a biiiiig crash somewhere that was not far away, but not close by either.  So Rupert looked around and started heading towards the smoke, which he figured was where whatever crashed had crashed.

So Rupert walked, and he walked, and he trotted a little because he's a magical pony, and then he walked some more until he finally came to the smoking remains of a biiiiiiig rocket ship. Rupert was pretty impressed, because this was the biggest rocket he had ever seen, and being a magical pony, he had seen quite a few big rockets.  Rupert approached the rocket ship warily, because that's how you should approach a rocket ship that falls from the sky and lands in a magical pony field.

As the smoke cleared, Rupert was able to see better, and he saw that the big rocket ship had broken in half!  There were even some small fires, but they were starting to burn out, so Rupert figured it was safe, because if the big rocket ship hadn't exploded yet, it probably wouldn't at all.  Just as Rupert was about to poke his head inside of the big rocket ship, he heard a terrible moaning sound behind him!  He quickly turned around and saw a large mass of something that was dressed in a big white puffy suit and what looked like a giant tinted fishbowl.  The Puffy-Suit-Fishbowl thing rose to its feet, with a lot more moaning, and Rupert the magical pony trembled, because the Puffy-Suit-Fishbowl thing was much, much bigger than he was and magical ponies are not known for their bravery.

The Puffy-Suit-Fishbowl thing stumbled towards Rupert and wheezed and coughed and cleared its throat, "Comrade, would you mind helping me out of my space suit, it seems that my helmet has fused to the neck, and I am somewhat indisposed."

Rupert approached the Puffy-Suit-Fishbowl thing cautiously and after not being attacked immediately, figured it was probably friendly and so proceeded to help.  He tugged on the helmet and pulled at the zipper and tore at the strange puffy fabric on the suit until finally the suit was off.

Rupert stared at the thing before him and said, "What the hell are you?"

Magical ponies don't normally say words like hell, but this was a special case, because this was a thing that Rupert had never seen before.  It was at least three hands taller than Rupert and it had weird horns on the top of its head and looked somewhat like a very shaggy cow and it smelled bad.

The thing said to Rupert, "Greetings tiny pony comrade, I am Yegor the Astro-Yak and I am a Spacemonaut for the glorious planet of Jakovskiya Naciet Bol'shiovska.  And you my tiny friend, what is your name?"

Rupert's tiny magical pony brain tried to process all the strange sounding information that Yegor the Astro-Yak gave him and a moment later responded to his question, "Hello, I am Rupert the magical pony, and I am a magical pony from this magical pony field.  It's nice to meet you Yegor the Astro-Yak Spacemonaut from...from that planet you said."

Yegor the Astro-Yak made a deep Astro-Yak belly laugh, "Well said my tiny magical pony friend.  It is an honor to meet you, I should like very much to explore your magical pony field, but for the time being I must find a reward for you, my new pony friend, for helping me out of my space suit."

Rupert was overjoyed to hear this, because there is nothing that magical ponies like more than presents, especially when they've earned them.  So Rupert bounced around while Yegor the Astro-Yak busily picked through the rubble of his big rocket ship.  Finally, after much grunting and what sounded like it might be cursing, Yegor must have found what he was looking for, for he shouted with joy.

"Aha!  Rejoice my magical pony friend Rupert, for I have found you a gift that is most suited to your magical pony nature, and we shall share it and rejoice together!"

Rupert the magical pony wasn't so sure about the sharing, as he did not see how sharing made it a gift or a reward, but since it was something from space and the glorious planet of...something or other he was willing to let it slip this one time.  Yegor the Astro-Yak shuffled over to where Rupert the magical pony had been waiting and set down a laaaaarge jug of a clear liquid and two fairly large glasses.

After the glasses had been poured Yegor lifted his glass and said, "It is now traditional to sing a song of friendship and in praise of the great and wonderful planet of Jakovskiya Naciet Bol'shiovska before we take our first drink.  I shall translate for you, my magical pony friend Rupert, so that you may hear the words that shall warm our hearts as this Vodishaka Pozhara will warm them.  And so the Astro-Yak Spacemonaut sang in a deep and rumbly voice:
Great is the glory of the Astro-Yaks,
Mighty kingdom of the hairy beasts.
Large and pendulous are our sacks*
That bring our women to their knees.

Life on other planets do we seek
Fly from home to here in weeks.
Spacemonauts brave and strong,
Sing to you our friendship song.

I lift my glass to our new friend
To the glory of the common bond.
May our friendship never end, 
And spread here and far beyond.

As the song ended, Rupert lifted his glass, with a tear in his eye, and drank the clear liquid after clinking his glass with Yegor's.  Both quadrupeds belched loudly after finishing, and Yegor the Astro-Yak laughed one of his deep Astro-Yak laughs.

Suddenly, Rupert the magical pony did not feel so magical.  However, he turned several magical colors including purple, puce, pale lilac, and putreen, which is a sort of putrid green seen only in vomit and bridesmaid dresses.  Yegor the Astro-Yak, being an Astro-Yak and not a magical pony, thought this was normal and was very impressed with the display, until Rupert the magical pony began to spew forth steaming red sludge which might have once been recognized as internal organs had they not been destroyed by Astro-Yak strength Vodishaka Pozhara.

Yegor the Astro-Yak was saddened to lose his new friend, however, since he was on a scientific mission anyway, he proceeded to take samples from what was left of Rupert the magical pony, then he Yak-taped his big rocket ship back together and went home to the glorious planet of Jakovskiya Naciet Bol'shiovska where he told everyone about the planet of magical ponies and was lauded as a hero and surrounded by big-uddered Astro-Yak women.

The End 
*This is an absolutely hilarious drawing that I wanted people to have access to, but did not anyone getting in trouble for having up on their screen.  Make sure there are no childrens, bosses, or prudes around before clicking.  Thanks to Dayna Ingram (guest blogger) and her friend Evan for contributing these.  Evan drew the Yegor.
**I write these stories to poke fun of everything children's stories stand for, which sometimes includes the stereotyping of certain people into boiled down "flavors" of culture that lose all real meaning of what that culture is actually about.  I like to consider "Rupert stories," as I've come to call them, as a kind of Cautionary Tales for Adults, much in the tradition of original fairy tales which often involved gruesome ends for dimwitted, lazy, or selfish children.  I hope you enjoy them, and really I try to exaggerate the stereotype as much as possible to make it what it is: ridiculous.  You cannot possibly boil down an entire culture to be easily understood or have one person, figure, or yak be truly representative of a people.


  1. Rupert rides again! I can't believe it's been 200 posts, and this of course was one of the best.

    Dayna, you are amazing. That ingredient list!

  2. Shudder. The yak sack still freaks me out.

  3. And yet, Dayna, it was your mind from which they sprang, like some deformed and sick Athena from the forehead of Zeus.


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