Day 46: The Meaning of Wife

The Meaning of Wife by Anne Kingston.  ISBN: 9780374205102.

Okay, this is the last one for this book, I promise.  My fiance just seems so fascinated with this topic that he wanted me to do one more.  I suppose it's appropriate, and god knows I could probably talk about roles and marriage forever.  There will be other chances though, so I'll shut my trap on it for awhile, but I'm not gettin' back in the kitchen.

I wanted to save this topic for last because I think it's very telling about our society and the way we're pressured into certain things despite the fact they're not good for us.  In one of the chapters (the second to be precise), Kingston mentions that the diamond companies started the surprise engagement phenomena.  Holy shit.  That makes so much sense.  What woman in her right mind wants to be taken completely by surprise by that kind of a question?  It's the whole reason I laugh my ass off at the FMLs where men are rejected for marriage by their girlfriends.  I can only assume that they just expected them to say yes because they had been together "long enough" to make that decision.

Here's the thing guys, not every woman wants to get married.  Not even the ones who are willing to date you for five years.  And it may not even be that they don't want a committed relationship with you, but marriage changes everything.  I know this is a woman who has never been married.  So before you propose, you need to have at least discussed the possibility of marriage with your girlfriend/boyfriend.  If you haven't even broached the subject, chances are she may not be interested in forever, because someone who wants to marry you will damn well bring it up.

Another part of the surprise engagement means that you end up spending a shit ton of money to create that perfect memory, which is fine if she says yes.  (I realize that there are times where the asked party is male, but for this case I'm just going to use traditional gender pronouns and you can all get over it.)  But yeah, if she says no you're stuck there holding a $1200 ring, surrounded by a string quartet, and looking like a complete ass in front of an entire restaurant where the typical meal is $50 a plate.  

Okay, seriously, I want everyone to look at what marriage is when you strip all the romantic crap out of it: an investment.  It sounds maybe a little cold, but when it comes down to it, you are investing what is potentially your entire life: your physical and mental well being, your finances, and your future progeny into one person.  Talk about your proverbial eggs in one basket.  Wouldn't it make some sense to do just a little tiny bit of research, such as, I don't know, talking about whether you want to get married?  And really, you can't get upset with her because she said no.  Doing something like that is like buying a stock by guessing at what it's ticker is and then getting angry because you meant to buy Coca-Cola (KO) instead of Coca-Cola Bottling Company (COKE).  If you don't do your homework, you're just more likely to fuck up.

So that seems to be how the normal non-engaged proposal goes (yes, I think I'm funny).  While my engagement was expected on some level, I was still taken aback and I actually got exactly what I wanted.  My fiance and I started talking about getting married probably 8 months into our relationship and more seriously by the 10 month mark.  I told him that if he was going to propose to me, it would be great if he did it on our anniversary at the restaurant we first went on a date at (which strangely we only eat at on anniversaries).  He knew I didn't want a diamond ring, and while I didn't get the "ring of my dreams," what he got me very much reflected our relationship and I've grown to love it.  

I never would have said yes to Danny if we hadn't talked about it first, even if I wanted to say yes.  It would have shown a complete lack of understanding on his part about my autonomy and my need to enter knowingly into that kind of a situation.  Not to mention having someone assume that you will say yes to something that important without even mentioning it puts into doubt the whole relationship.  If you were willing to assume that something like that would be taken positively...what other important decisions might you make without consulting your partner?

Day 45: The Meaning of Wife

The Meaning of Wife by Anne Kingston.  ISBN: 9780374205102.

My fiance apparently really liked my last post and wants me to keep writing on this topic.  It's kind of interesting considering he's not really interested in helping me to plan the wedding and seems uncomfortable with the idea of being my househusband...which is what he'll be if he doesn't find a job.

This is another topic covered in The Meaning of Wife.  There are male wives, and they do just as much as their female counterparts.  I'm not sure why he's so reluctant to be there for me in the home if that's what I need.  Maybe he's concerned about losing his masculinity or he thinks I won't appreciate it.  But I have a small secret.

I like the idea of having him stay home and take care of me.  I mean, it would be nice to have an extra income, but how much better would it be for me to come home to a warm meal and a clean house?  I could focus completely on my career, and he could focus on his writing when he's not keeping house.  Do I want him to have his own career and goals, etc.?  Yes, of course, but at the moment he doesn't know what he wants to with his life yet.  In the meantime, I'd like to be his job.  Not only that, for our first year of marriage it may make us closer and my transition into a professional position easier.

Would I be willing to take his place as a wife?  Maybe.  But I'm a completely different person.  I'm very career minded, and I like working.  Then again, if I knew he'd make enough for both of us to live off of, maybe I would find something else to make my life more meaningful.  I can only hope he'll be able to do the same, and I'd be happy to help him any way I can.

Day 44: The Meaning of Wife

The Meaning of Wife by Anne Kingston.  ISBN: 9780374205102.

This is probably not the best or most comprehensive look at the role of wife and what it means for marriage, women, and feminism.  It was a pretty enjoyable read as far as non-fiction work goes, and it wasn't so heavy-handed as to state outright that marriage is an all around bad idea.  Mostly it focuses on the idea that Wifedom is in transition, and that we haven't really discovered what it means to be a "post"-feminist wife.

There were quite a few topics I could have pulled from this book to talk about.  My notebook is actually full of potential writing prompts, but this sentence stuck out during my reading: "And the unspoken rule is that the more money you spend, the happier you'll be, not only on your wedding day but also in your marriage."  (Page 34.)  You know, there is a big deal about getting people to spend a shit load of money on their wedding day.  What is with that?  If you're going to spend a lot of money on anything like that, shouldn't it be the honeymoon? 

I know my fiance and I are planning a pretty small ceremony and reception (sometime after the courthouse wedding).  We're talking maybe fifty people total.  I know that it's still going to be expensive, but I'm also not planning to buy a brand new dress, or if I do it will be somewhere in the $500 or below category.  It will probably be significantly cheaper than that unless I just fall in love with a dress.  But I really can't fathom even spending $300 on something I'm not going to wear more than once.  I don't need brand new jewelry for my wedding, and what little I do plan to buy will be simple enough that I can wear it on other occasions, it will not be a one day purchase.

This whole idea of investing time and money into one day for things that will be used only for that day is something that really bothers me.  Other than the photographs and the wedding rings, nothing you buy for your wedding day is going to last forever.  Even your memories are likely to wear out one by one and slip away.  So why is it that people will go into debt in order to start a relationship that is supposed to last their entire lives?  Is paying off your wedding for the next ten years supposed to give you warm fuzzy feelings about it? "Oh look honey, we still owe $5,000 on our credit card for the five tiered chocolate cake your Aunt Jenny couldn't eat because she was allergic; that was such a great day." 

If you think prenuptial agreements are unromantic, how can you even think of having a wedding that costs more than a brand new car?  According to some sources, a brand new car may last longer than your marriage, with seven to eight years being the average before divorce.  But with all this, I'm still planning on spending maybe $10,000 total on my wedding ceremony and reception (not including honeymoon which I see as being at least another $2,000-$3,500, unless we decide to stay in the States).  I'd just like people to think about it a little more in terms of how much that one day is going to influence your marriage versus how long you will be paying it off during, or even after, your marriage.  By all means, if it's worth it to you to spend a year's salary so you can have orchids flown in from Hawaii, okay, maybe you need to do that.  But if you're willing to break it off because you can't have it, then it's not about the marriage, it's about the wedding, and you're not ready.